You are perfect
by Merthergirl
Summary: Raj battles with the monster inside him. Howard wants him to realise how perfect he really is. WARNING: Dark themes, eating disorder references, self harm references and suicide attempt reference plus some scenes that can be seen as disturbing. And some scenes of a suggestive nature. So M for a very good reason :)


You are perfect.

**Please review And check out my other stories if you have the time **

**ONE. **

_**NEW TEXT POST**_

… _I just…. I just… Nothing… _

_**YOU HAVE AN UNSAVED POST. RETRIEVE? **_

_No. No I won't retrieve it. Who wants to hear? Who in their right mind wants to hear the depressingly pathetic ramblings of a misunderstood geek? Nobody, that's who. _

_Not even Howard wants to hear. But I don't want him to hear. He wouldn't understand. He'd call me crazy. He'd tell me to walk it off. He'd laugh and tell me I just **need to eat. **Well, that's the problem. But he's worried. He knows that's something's wrong- He's noticed the weight loss. He hasn't noticed, by some pure hope, the scars. _

_**LOGGING OUT. ARE YOU SURE?**_

_Yes. Yes I am sure. I need to get off here. I need to… get space._

6:00 PM. My Apartment, living room. 

I am tired. I am stressed. I am hungry. I want to eat. But I can't. He won't let me. The illness. Anorexia. He won't let me. He won't let me do much anymore. No eating. No sleeping. Nothing. I am nothing anymore. Just a pathetic puppet of the disease. There is none of me left.

Howard is coming. Howard is coming and we're going to watch a film. Howard is coming and we're going to watch a film and have popcorn. I can't eat popcorn. Popcorn means **food**. Food means **eating**. Eating **means food inside me.**

Food inside me is** sick**, is **disgusting**. Food inside me makes me **wrong.**

"Please let me see him!" Howard begged the nurse, "I'm his best friend!"

"Relatives only." She said firmly, then sighed, "His condition is too critical for visitors at any rate, I'm afraid."

The engineer turned around to look at those closed doors in despair. He could have stopped this. He could have helped. This was all his fault.

Sheldon knew that he should have spoken to the others when he noticed Raj's significant weight loss. But at the time he hadn't thought much of it- perhaps the man was dieting, or was too stressed to eat. He had thought that it was normal for normal people. Had he? He couldn't remember. His brain was so muddled up and wrapped in the situation. The hospital was not a good place to be waiting alone for news on a friend. Leonard had gone with Howard to try and see Raj, and the girls were sobbing too much to be in the normal waiting room.

He felt a wave of despair over himself. Had it not been Sheldon, he would have said that it was his fault.

Leonard knew the answer as soon as he saw Howard's shoulders slump a little further than they had and he sunk to the floor. He took a seat beside a crying woman and tried to think positive. Raj could've collapsed at any moment and he hadn't even noticed. He hadn't noticed. Guilt rushing through him, he sunk his head in his hands. It was all his fault.

Penny should have recognised the signs. She'd had a friend in high school who was anorexic. So why hadn't she? She sighed and fiddled with her hair, trying to stop herself crying. If she'd had recognised the signs she could've told them, or asked Raj about it, or maybe gotten the others to. Basically, she thought as the tears rolled down her face, it was all her fault.

Bernadette didn't understand. Obviously she knew what was happening and to who, but she didn't understand why. Why, when he had seemed so happy? Why hadn't she seen past his mask? She could've done something…. It was all her fault.

Amy had never been so worried. She knew the science. She knew the statistics. She knew the possibilities. It did not look good. So, when she knew all of that why wasn't she any help? Why wasn't Raj well and healthy? It was all her fault.

But this wasn't where the horror started. It was for them. But for Raj, it had gone on for months. And for all of them, it was just getting warmed up. The trauma was strong, and no matter what happened to Raj in the room beyond them, it would continue for months and months afterwards.

Three pounds above death, Raj's condition did not look good. And it wasn't about to get much better.

**Please review, and next chapter will be more structured, I promise **


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